Nine Reasons That Chopper is Not a Psychologist
by Shaetil
Summary: Poor Chopper learns that all his crewmates are hopelessly mentally ill! ... Or are they? Doctor Chopper to the rescue! Rated 'T' for language.


_I do not claim to own or have created any names, characters or other creative properties belonging to One Piece. This is only my hobby, and I just hope that people enjoy what they read._

_In addition, I am not mocking anyone who happens to have any of the mental illnesses mentioned - or a mental illness in general. That is a serious issue and I respect the difficulty it presents to anyone affected._

Nine Reasons

* * *

Robin heard the patter of hooves as the reindeer doctor entered the library. It wasn't unusual for Chopper to come looking for medical texts, so Robin paid him no mind and turned to the next page in her reading. "Um, Robin? Can I ask you a few questions?"  
She set aside her reading and smiled gently, "Of course, Doctor. What did you need to know?"  
"How much time do you usually spend studying?"  
Robin tapped her fingers against her cheek thoughtfully. "It varies..."  
"More than three hours a day? O-on average, I mean."  
"I hadn't really thought about it, but that's possible. I simply do what I must so that I will be closer to my goal."  
"I see..." Chopper nervously tapped his fore-hooves together. "A-are you sleeping okay?"  
"Yes. Thank you for asking."  
"Do you worry about what your friends think about you?"  
"Of course I do."  
"Uh... Robin?"  
She raised a slim eyebrow. "Yes?"  
"Do you feel safer alone, or are you comfortable in crowds?"  
"Doctor, you are asking some strange questions. Is everything okay?"  
"EverythingisfinesorryIbotheredyou!" Chopper fled after unleashing a torrent of panicked words. Robin watched him scurry away with a slight frown. There was something going on with their young doctor. A slow smile curved her lips. There was nothing she loved more than a mystery.  
Solving this little riddle would be a nice way to pass some time.

The next day Robin was the one who sought out the doctor's company.  
"What's that you're reading, Doctor?"  
Chopper blinked owlishly up at Robin before hurriedly shutting the large volume and hiding it behind his back. "I-it's just something new I picked up at the last island..."  
Robin raised an eyebrow at the furry doctor's behavior. "I admire that you're always studying to improve your medical talents. I've found some of your medical texts interesting in the past, do you think that I might read your new acquisition?"  
Squirming under Robin's gaze, Chopper slowly began to back away. "I-it's a complicated text, and... there are a lot of pages!"  
Sensing the poor doctor's anxiety, Robin let him off the hook with a smile, "It's alright, Doctor. I have several new manuscripts that I am studying at the moment. Please let me know in the future if you are willing to lend it out?"  
"Of course, Robin!"  
Chopper fled to the infirmary, relieved to have gotten out of such a tricky situation. He was unaware of how the ex-assassin's eyes narrowed as she watched him retreat, or how a cunning smile quirked her lips at the corners. Reaching the safety of his on-board clinic, Chopper shut and locked the door before opening his book once more. HIs blue nose twitched in distress as he read through the symptoms once more, "Social withdrawal, controlled patterns of behavior and speech... perceptual vigilance... Oh, oh, what should I doooooo?"  
Fat tears streamed down his furry cheeks as the little doctor wailed. How could he have not known this? Doctorine had never shown him these kinds of illnesses! His friend had suffered for so long!  
Sniffling and trying to collect himself, Chopper turned back to his book. Now that he knew, he had to do everything he could to help. Reading over the text again, he noticed something else. "Hypersensitive to criticism...?"  
He would have to be discreet.

Robin knew she was being observed. The little fuzzy doctor still hadn't realized that he was hiding the wrong way. She chuckled to herself and calmly turned another page as Chopper finally noticed his error and scrambled to get out of sight. She wasn't sure yet what was going on, but she had a theory that the cause was the young doctor's new book. Perhaps tonight she should take a look for herself and see just what the doctor had been reading that made him so unusually anxious.  
Chopper was trembling on the other side of the mast not daring to take even the smallest peek. How could he have made that mistake again! Had she seen him?  
"What are you doing, emergency food supply?"  
Chopper yelped and sprang away from the tall, blonde cook who'd suddenly appeared at his side. "SANJI?!"  
"Yeeeeees?" Expertly balancing a tray filled with delicious looking sweet drinks, Sanji smoothly reached out and tapped the ashes from his ever-present cigarette with a twinkle in his one visible blue eye.  
"I-I didn't hear you coming... Am I in your way? I'm sorry!"  
Sanji grinned and stuck the cigarette back between his lips before bending to pat the top of Chopper's hat with his freed hand. "You're not in my way. Are you playing hide-and-seek with the others again?"  
"No..." Chopper didn't want to tell Sanji that he'd been spying on the girls. No doubt the cook wouldn't approve.  
"Huh? Well okay." Sanji raised his curled eyebrows in interest, but he chose not to pry. "Are you thirsty? I made you something."  
"YOU DID?" Chopper squealed happily, forgetting entirely that he was supposed to be hiding in his excitement. Sanji's treats were the best!  
Sanji laughed and handed down a frosty, pink drink in a tall pink glass. Chopper sighed in bliss when he saw the perfect swirl of Sanji's hand-made whipped cream topped by small, rainbow-colored jellies and chocolate shavings. "Thank you, Sanji!"  
"My pleasure! Now I'm going to give my precious Nami-swan and Robin-chwan their special drinks filled with love!"  
Chopper took a sip of his strawberry-flavored treat - it was sugary and full of fruit pieces, just the way he liked it. He happily sucked down the drink while absent-mindedly watching as Sanji danced around Nami and Robin - his limbs wiggling in a disturbing manner. Suddenly Chopper's eyes went wide. That exaggerated, involuntary behavior...!  
"AH!" He clapped a hoof over his mouth before he blurted out everything. Poor Sanji! He was even more sick than Robin!  
Chopper hurried back to the infirmary, drink in hoof. This was a bigger problem than he'd realized - practically an epidemic! He needed to take action right away! He spent the next few hours frantically researching the Cognitive Behavioral Theory and mixing medicines.

Sanji gave the little doctor a dubious look as Chopper pleaded with his eyes. "It's just for a little while! If I don't see a change we won't do this anymore!"  
"I'm not sure I need something like this. I've always kept an eye on what I eat along with what the crew eats. If there was a problem wouldn't you have noticed it earlier?"  
Chopper's round eyes filled with tears. "I'm so sorry, Sanji! I thought it was strange but I never said anything about it because I didn't know it was because of an illness!"  
"O-oi! Wh-what? What didn't you notice...?!" Sanji chewed his cigarette in distress as the little doctor wailed at his counter. After a moment he sighed, "Fine, but you have to explain to me properly what all this is for! I don't like taking medication. It makes the food taste bad."  
Chopper calmed down and eagerly agreed. "I'll go get the book right away!"  
Sanji watched the tiny reindeer hop down from the stool and trot over to the galley door. He raised an eyebrow when Chopper paused and turned back. "Sanji! If you feel tense or excited... t-try counting waves or clouds to stay calm!"  
"Wha...?!"  
Sanji's jaw dropped as the doctor vanish without furthur explaination. He looked himself over in concern. Was he sick? But... he felt fine?

As Chopper rushed back to the infirmary, he failed to notice Zoro sprawled and asleep in his path. He tripped spectacularly over one of the swordsman's thick legs, bouncing once as he hit the deck hard. Zoro sat up with a huge yawn. "Mmmwha...? Oh, Chopper. You okay?"  
"S-sorry, Zoro! I don't mean to wake you up! Does your leg hurt?"  
Zoro grinned and thumped his boot on the deck a few times. "Never felt better. Are you running from Luffy again? I can help you hide if you want."  
"No, I'm not..." Chopper's ears twitched nervously in realization, "Have YOU seen Luffy? I haven't seen him all day!"  
The swordsman lazily scratched at his green hair before shrugging. "Nope."  
"Oh..." Chopper's ears drooped in disappointment.  
Zoro hesitated a moment before reaching out and patting the little reindeer's hat. "You'll find him - he's probably hanging around Usopp. Just watch out that the rooms don't switch around on you."  
Chopper giggled and Zoro grinned in response. The young doctor watched as the swordsman stretched again before settling back onto the deck to continue his nap. Chopper felt a sudden twinge of concern. "Zoro... how long have you been sleeping?"  
"Eh?" The swordsman slitted one black eye and focused on the doctor. "Just since I finished my usual reps. Why?"  
"Are you excited to see the next island?"  
"I can't say I really care."  
"Do you ever feel sad or empty?"  
"Huh? Well I guess? I'm not really sad though." Zoro shrugged. He always cleared his mind when he polished his swords.  
"Have you felt irritated a lot lately?"  
"Yes." Zoro scowled. That damn cook had been getting on his case recently about "manners".  
Chopper's lower lip trembled and his eyes became watery, "You should have told me!"  
"What?!" Zoro sat up again, startled as Chopper began to cry.  
"We all care about you! You know...?"  
"Y-yeah...?"  
Chopper laid a hoof on Zoro's arm and looked sincerely into the swordsman's eyes. "Please don't ever think that you don't matter! Talk to me later and we'll make a heirarchy of cognitive restructuring goals! We'll get past this, Zoro!"  
"I-I won't... I mean, I don't...? Uh... sure, Chopper. But what's...?"  
Chopper nodded in apparent satisfaction before the swordsman could finish his question, and scampered off, leaving Zoro scratching his head in confusion.  
"Is he drunk?"  
Zoro shrugged it off and laid back down to sleep.

Now Chopper had three patients instead of two! He was seriously considering arranging a screening session for the whole crew. Who knew what other painful things his friends were suffering in secret? As he hurried through the ship, Chopper rubbed the tears from his eyes with his hooves and promptly ran smack into something solid.  
"Whoa there little bro! I'm suuuuper sorry about that!"  
"Franky?" Chopper blinked up at the massive cyborg shipwright. "I didn't see you!"  
Franky bellowed out a laugh, "Well maybe I should build myself bigger! Add in some cannons or something. It would make me even more super!"  
"That would be SO COOL!" Chopper's wide eyes sparkled in admiration. Franky was amazing!  
The distinct sound of wood cracking came from the deck outside, followed by the familiar cacophany of Zoro and Sanji squabbling. "STOP BREAKING MY SHIP!"  
Franky barreled toward the deck door, roaring in anger. Chopper squeaked and barely dove out of the way in time. The furious shipwright flung the door open and froze - eyes widened in horror at the apparent amount of damage the swordsman and the cook had already caused. Chopper startled as tears came flooding down Franky's cheeks. "My poor ship...!"  
Chopper's jaw dropped. Rapid emotional cycling, and an inflated sense of self... Franky too?! He was going to have to whip up a bigger batch of pills! The little reindeer whimpered as he dashed into his infirmary and began to gather up ingredients.  
However when he went to start mixing, several of his beakers and his special weighing scale were missing. There was only one person who would have taken those specific items. Chopper sighed and went looking for Usopp.

He found the thieving sniper in the workshop he shared with Franky. "Usopp, do you have my scale and my measuring beakers? I need them to make medicine!"  
"Hey, Chopper! Did you come to play with the new tabasco stars too?" Luffy chuckled from his seat on Franky's desk and swung his legs.  
"Luffy! Have you been here all day?"  
"Nope! I got a snack earlier."  
Chopper smiled, "Oh, okay!"  
Usopp was still picking at one of his pachinko balls with a pair of tweezers, his tongue poking out from between his lips. "Give me a minute, Chopper. I'm almost done. This one will be the spiciest weapon in all the seas!"  
"WHOO HOO! You're so cool, Usopp! Let me see it!" Before anyone could react, Luffy stretched out his arm and snatched the little ball right out from under Usopp's long nose.  
"L-Luffy! Give it back!"  
Luffy turned over the small object with a mischevious glint in his eyes. "It's the hottest?"  
Usopp puffed out his chest. "The hottest ever! I know because I tried the second hottest flavor in the world on the island of..."  
"ZOROOOOOO!"  
Luffy didn't wait for the end of the story, and went tearing off in search of the poor swordsman.  
"LUFFY, NO! ZORO NEEDS SPECIAL TREATMENT RIGHT NOW!"  
But Chopper's panicked screech was in vain, the captain was already out of sight. "I have to stop him!"  
"Oi! What's wrong with Zoro? Is he sick?"  
Chopper paused, "Y-yes... er, no... Can you keep a secret?"  
Usopp practically began to salivate at the idea of having exclusive information. "Sure! I know the secrets of hundreds of kings! They all trust me because I'm known as the Greatest Keeper of Secrets Ever!"  
The reindeer doctor clapped his hooves together in excitement. "Really? Truly? You're so cool!" Chopper lowered his voice and gestered for Usopp to lean closer. "I found a book at the last island that lists a whole bunch of new diseases!"  
"What?! And Zoro has one?"  
"Shhhh! It's a secret! These aren't like regular sicknesses! You can treat them with pills, but the illness is all in people's minds! It's like thought germs!"  
"AH! YOU CAN CATCH STUFF THROUGH THOUGHTS?!"  
"No! They're not contaigous! It's just sometimes people act strangely because their thoughts are sick, not their bodies!"  
Usopp thought for a moment before asking, "Like how Sanji acts all weird around girls?"  
"YES!"  
"Whoa! So he's got it too?"  
Chopper nodded sadly, "And Robin! And Franky too... But I think can help them... At least I hope I can."  
He nervously tapped his fore-hooves together. He felt like he was in over his antlers already. Oh how he wished he could ask Doctorine for advice!  
Then he remembered a more immediate problem. "AH! WE NEED TO STOP LUFFY!"

They found Luffy standing over Zoro and cackling as the poor swordsman gasped in pain. "S-spicy! I'll... cut you for this!"  
"LUFFY!" Chopper burst into tears, "HE'S MY PATIENT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"  
The captain shrugged and picked his nose with a blank expression. "I wanted to see what would happen."  
"Zoro...!" Chopper sobbed and rushed to the swordsman's side. "You don't have to be upset! It was an accident! He cares about you a lot!"  
Zoro reached out a shaking hand toward the doctor. "Wa-water...!"  
"Don't you feel bad about doing that to Zoro?!"  
"Eh? No." Luffy flicked a booger toward Usopp, "I did it on purpose. HEY, USOPP, LET'S CATCH A SHARK!"  
Chopper's eyes bugged out, "You did that on purpose?!"  
But Luffy wasn't listening to the little doctor at all. "SHARK, SHARK, SHARK-MEAT, MEAAAAT!"  
"A sh-shark?!" Usopp saw him coming, but he tried to escape too late and was dragged away by the captain.  
Luffy chortled as he lifted the squirming sniper over the rail. "Sanji won't give me anymore bait because I ate it all the last time - so you can be the bait!"  
"NOOOOOOO!" Usopp wailed and thrashed while Chopper ran in circles.  
"AH! USOPP'S GOING TO BE EATEN BY A SHARK!"  
'LUFFY, YOU IDIOT!" Nami screamed across the deck as she threw a barrel with perfect aim. "QUIT BEING SO LOUD! I NEED TO CONCENTRATE!"  
"Oi!" Sanji's head popped out from the galley door. "Which of you bastards is upsetting my swan?!"  
Usopp was curled on the deck whimpering about his sudden affliction of I-will-die-if-I'm-eaten-by-sharks disease, Luffy was pouting while rubbing the massive bump on his head, and Chopper was still running in circles while Zoro crawled on the deck toward the galley. "Water...! Give me some, goddammit!"  
"Say 'please' you shitty marimo!"  
From the crow's nest, Brook watched the chaos with a glint in his eyes - or he would have if he had eyes...  
"Yohohohoho! Skull joke!"  
He watched in amusement as his crewmates frolicked below. When Sanji and Zoro broke another railing, Franky came raging back out onto the deck, and the crew was nearly complete. Brook leaned against the window in a particularly lovely forty-five degree angle and wondered if Robin would come join the fun.  
He decided that he didn't want to be left out himself.

"Yohohohohoho! It seems everyone is having fun!"  
"Brook!" Chopper ran over and tugged at the skeleton musician's pants leg, "Can you help me? I need to stop Sanji and Zoro from fighting! The stress will make their conditions worse, and they may affect the rest of the crew too!"  
"Chopper, I would lend you a hand..." Brook's voice was solemn, "But I have no hands! Yohohohohoho! Skull joke!"  
"Wait, Chopper, are the guys sick?" Nami gave the quarreling pair a suspicious look, "They seem fine?"  
She dodged a flying piece of railing and growled, "A little TOO fine!"  
Chopper grew more and more flustered as everyone shouted and yelled at once - Franky at Zoro and Sanji who were still screaming at each other, Luffy at Usopp who was running in circles around the mast, and Nami at all of them... Brook was just screaming nonsense. Finally Chopper had enough. He grew into heavy point and roared, "SHUT UP! YOU ALL ARE SICK AND I WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE INFIRMARY! NOW!"  
Everyone froze and stared at the angry reindeer, stunned. Usopp wailed in dismay, "I knew it! I'm dying!"  
Chopper took a deep breath, "Actually, you're fine. Everyone else though is really sick and I need to set up treatment plans right away!"  
Nami looked around at her crewmates. "We're all sick? I don't feel sick Chopper. What kind of illness is it?"  
Since he now had the status of being the only healthy crewmember besides the doctor, Usopp puffed out his chest as bragged. "Chopper told ME everything!"  
Chopper interrupted, "The infirmary! Go and I'll explain...!"  
The whole crew filed into Chopper's little clinic whispering to each other. The popular theory was there had been parasites on the last island. "I'll see you each one at a time so please be patient!"  
Nami went first and everyone leaned against the wall to wait.

When she reemerged holding a little handful of pills everyone wanted to know what Chopper had said. She responded to them with a little frown. "Honestly, I'm still confused. He didn't take any blood or examine anything? He just asked a lot of weird personal questions and talked about cognitive restructuring?"  
"Oh! He mentioned that to me too!" Zoro perked up as he recognized the term.  
Franky raised an eyebrow, "Suuuper! Do you know what it means, bro?"  
"...No."  
Everyone sighed in disappointment. Chopper peeked out of the infirmary. "I'm ready for the next patient! WHERE'S SANJI?!"  
"He said he had to finish with dinner."  
Chopper nodded to Zoro, "Oh okay. You can come in then!"

Dinner time arrived and Sanji was only crewmember beside Robin - who was still missing - who hadn't visited Chopper. Everyone was silent amd staring morosely at the little pile of pills by their plates. Nami pushed the pills furthur away with her fork. "I really don't think I need to take these."  
"But you do need them!" Chopper protested from across the table.  
Sanji came over to place another dish full of delicious food on the table. "I don't know, Chopper. Won't all that ruin the taste of the food?"  
As if on cue, Luffy stuffed both his and Nami's pills into his mouth, and swallowed loudly. His face contorted in disgust, and his tongue lolled out across the table as the captain tried to brush the taste off with his hands. "Isth grosth!"  
"AH! LUFFY, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT THAT MANY!"  
Sanji frowned, "See? It makes everything taste bad."  
"I don't see the problem, shitty cook. It's not like your food could taste any worse!"  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, SHITTY MARIMO?!"  
Nami sat back in her chair. "My biggest issue is I still don't understand WHY you want me to take those. You said you would explain, Chopper!"  
The doctor paused in his attempts to pry Sanji and Zoro apart. "You didn't understand? You should have told me!"  
"I could explain everything! He told me all about it because I'm perfectly healthy!" Usopp stood dramatically on his chair while Luffy applauded.  
Robin seemed to appear out of thin air. She chuckled from behind the sniper - making him jump with an unmanly squeak of terror at her sudden presence. "Is that so, Longnose? Please, do share."  
"W-well..."  
Everyone stared at Usopp expectantly. Chopper made a move to stop the sniper, but Luffy wrapped his rubber arms around the doctor and sqeezed. "I want to hear! Captain's orders!"  
The distressed reindeer squeaked in horror. "You can't! That's a violation of patient privacy!"  
Usopp swallowed but obeyed the captain. "Well, it's a sick... ness. In thoughts?"  
"Ooh, a mystery sickness!"  
Robin smiled, "Not quite, Luffy. I believe I found an explaination for our doctor's concern."  
She held up a thick volume with the auspicious title, 'The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders the OP Edition'. "I found a few interesting bookmarks..."  
"Robin! You can't!" Chopper cried in horror as the crafty archeologist opened the manual.  
Robin chuckled darkly, "Perhaps I should read what I found for you, Doctor."  
"F-for me...?" Chopper's eyes widened as he fell into his seat. Was he sick too?  
"Mr. Cook, I found yours the most intriguing."  
"I'm so happy to ingrigue you! Mellorine!" Sanji twirled happily.  
Robin pressed a finger under the highlighted diagnosis. "Conversion Disorder. A somatic disorder characterized by physical symptoms that have no other medical explaination... Hmm, psuedo-siezures, inability to speak and even blindness."  
"BLINDNESS?! AM I GOING BLIND?"  
Nami rolled her eyes, "No, Sanji. That's just a else does it say...?"  
"Oh my, for Mr. Swordsman there is Major Depressive Disorder. Mr. Swordsman, are you thinking about harming youself deliberately? He put that in the margins."  
"Certainly not!" Zoro barked out his answer with wide eyes, "Why on earth would you think that, Chopper?"  
"But you said..."  
Robin interrupted, "How interesting! Mr. Musician! He marked Schizotypal Personality Disorder for you!"  
"Yohohohohohoho! I've never heard of that! Does it mean you will show me your panties?"  
"STOP ASKING THAT!" Nami punched the back of Brook's skull with a growl, "It means you're eccentric! I DO believe that you have that!"  
"There's also a mark for Hystrionic Personality Disorder."  
All eyes turned to Nami, and she snarled in irritation. "What?! That isn't me! I'm just a normal, beautiful woman!"  
"Of course you are, Miss Navigator." Robin peeked over the book at the reindeer trembling in his seat. "Doctor. Do you really believe these diagnosises to be true?"  
"The symptoms fit...!"  
"You put down Captain as having Antisocial Personality Disorder."  
"BUT HE DOESN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS AND USOPP WAS ALMOST EATEN!"  
Usopp raised a hand. "I agree with that!"  
Zoro spoke up, "What about Usopp?"  
Robin flipped through the bookmarks again. "Chopper...?"  
"Usopp is normal!"  
Robin eyed the description for Malingering under the list of Somatic Disorders and privately disagreed. Everyone was obviously surprised by Chopper's assertation of Usopp's mental soundness... Including Usopp. The group murmured among themselves, confused.  
Robin began to read again, "You think Mr. Shipwright is Bipolar? And that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder? Doctor, aren't all of these a little extreme?"  
Chopper hung his head, "Maybe I got a little carried away. I never heard of these types of illnesses before and I got scared that I couldn't help you guys. So I just did whatever the book suggested just to be safe. I'm sorry everyone!"  
"Perhaps you did overdo things. But as long as you'll trust us to tell you about our problems from here on out we'll accept your apology." The crew nodded and murmured their agreements.  
"I promisssssse!" Chopper burst into tears and hid his face in his hooves, "I'm sorryyyyy!"  
Robin handed the young doctor back his manual with a smile. "I think you should read the section on Generalized Anxiety Disorder."  
"Eh?!"  
Sanji sighed and got to his feet. "I'm glad that's cleared up. Hey, depressed moss! Help me throw out these pills! We don't need them!"  
"Watch what you say, you somatic spaz!"  
"SHITTY SWORDSMAN!"  
"CYCLOPS COOK!"  
And with that, everything returned to normal. The DSM went on a bookshelf, and Chopper never let himself get overly carried away by a new discovery ever again... Except for that other time with the lantern flies.


End file.
